‘A toll on your body’: The reality of trying to conceive in your 40s

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Auckland mum of one Karen Hussey has shared her experience with secondary infertility. Photo / Robert Trathen
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Warning: This story references infertility and miscarriage.
More New Zealand women than ever are becoming mothers for the first time in their 40s, but with that comes a heightened risk of miscarriage. A Kiwi mother shares her story of secondary infertility to remind others they’re not alone, and an expert shares what “older” women trying to conceive need to know.
Karen Hussey spent her 20s and 30s making her mark on the corporate world, building a successful career in HR (human resources) at an executive level.
In one sense, she had it all – financial security, the power to create change, and the freedom to travel the world.
However, as her late 30s approached, Hussey felt “more and more burned out” and disillusioned by what she saw going on at the top level, and knew something had to give – so she left her job and took over Auckland florist Flowers After Hours.

“As part of that reflection on what was next for me, I started to really think that the clock was ticking, and I did feel that a family was something that I should really be thinking about,” she tells the Herald.
At 38, Hussey got pregnant but had a miscarriage before conceiving a second time naturally at 39 and welcoming a baby boy with her husband Ben.
As an only child herself, it wasn’t long before she started thinking about giving her son, now aged 4, a sibling – and it was then that her journey through secondary infertility began.
Hussey, 43, has since experienced pregnancy loss seven times in the past three years, one of which was an “extremely traumatic” late second-trimester loss. Those pregnancies have occurred both naturally and through IVF, of which she’s undergone five unsuccessful rounds.
One in 25 pregnancies in New Zealand is to a mother aged over 40 – four times as many as in the 1970s, according to recent Statistics New Zealand data.
At age 40, the risk of miscarriage is 34%, while at 45, it’s 54%. The success rate of IVF in women over 40 is around 15%, according to the Australia and New Zealand Assisted Reproduction Database.
Hussey knows the likelihood of conceiving after 40 is comparatively low. “It’s a fact that egg quality does reduce as you get older, and then all the other factors of getting pregnant have to align, like the right timing and all of that.
“But in saying that, people are getting pregnant all the time in their 40s . . . I do believe it’s evolved and you’ve got a much bigger sample of people who are either trying to get pregnant or are pregnant in their 40s.
“But for me personally, it hasn’t been easy. It’s been incredibly difficult and I actually didn’t think it would be this way.”
For Hussey, going through IVF was “alienating and lonely”.
“I didn’t really have an avenue of support, and a lot of my friends had their children when they were younger,” she shares.
“I felt like a lot of people couldn’t quite understand why I was doing this and why – not only why I was doing it, why I kept doing it again and again and again. It’s incredibly isolating and incredibly socially alienating if I’m honest.
“You go through periods where you don’t want to socialise and you don’t want to talk – you just want to kind of be left alone.
“And then often when you do want to talk, how do you even have that conversation? Because it’s big. People struggle to say the right thing and there’s lots of ‘at least you’ve had a child’ or ‘at least you can get pregnant’, and when you’re in grief or experiencing loss or failure, there is no space for ‘at least’ because it just doesn’t help.”
For anyone seeking advice on how to approach a friend or family member experiencing infertility, Hussey says it’s important to let them know you care – and if you don’t know what to say, don’t be afraid to admit that.
“It would have really helped me if someone just said to me, ‘I don’t know how to support you. I’ve never done this. I don’t know what you need, and I might say the wrong thing. But my intent is that I support you . . . I want to do the right thing and I want to be there for you’.
“Words don’t always help, but kind gestures or actions can.”
Repeated rounds of IVF haven’t just taken an emotional toll, Hussey reveals – they’ve also had a huge physical and financial impact on her and her family.
“Every single month I’ve put some kind of chemical in my body to try and help me get pregnant,” she shares.
“Or I’ve had egg retrievals, or I’ve had surgery to try and correct scarring in the womb, or I’ve been pregnant, or I’ve not been pregnant – and that can’t not have a toll on your body.”
The mum of one says the constant physical procedures have also affected her body image.
“You start to feel disappointed in your body, and you start to feel like your body isn’t able to do what it wants to do. You get very consumed with each month and the window that you have each month.”
It’s a harsh reality that if you’re trying to conceive in your 40s, “you do have to also be open to the fact that you are likely to experience miscarriage”, she notes.
“There’s just less working in your favour.”
Then there’s the financial burden – many Kiwi couples struggle to afford IVF.
“You’re talking a minimum of $10,000 a round. I just don’t know many people in New Zealand that could afford what you might need to do, which is five rounds, six rounds, seven rounds of IVF.”
In New Zealand, fertility clinics assess someone’s eligibility for publicly funded IVF treatment, considering age, the length of time you’ve been trying to get pregnant, and whether you already have children, among other factors. Most clinics preclude women over the age of 40 from public funding.
When asked about her son, Hussey lights up with joy – and she wants people to know there can be “so many benefits” to being an “older” mum.
“I never, ever feel resentful about my life,” she says. “I really experience gratitude . . . I never wish for spare time or free time in the ways that other people might, because I’ve had so much of that in my life.
“This is my time to be a mum and to give to someone else,” she says, adding that at this stage in her life, she doesn’t feel as if she’s “missing out” on anything.
Her voice cracks as she shares just how “beyond grateful” she is for her boy. “I always feel that even if I end up only having him, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and I am just so incredibly lucky to be a mum,” she says.
“He’s been amazing for our family and for our marriage, he’s changed everything for the better. And I can’t imagine not ever being his mum. I think it has fundamentally changed me as a person.”
Despite everything she’s faced, she still has hope for the future.
“I still believe it’s possible because I see and hear of examples all the time of people getting pregnant in their mid-forties. You just have to have the mental resilience to keep trying.”
It’s thanks to her family and her work that she’s been able to go on, Hussey says. It’s also why she’s collaborated with Jaimee Lupton through Flowers After Hours to create The Gingernut bouquet, launching this month. Ten dollars from each purchase of this bouquet will go to Lupton’s charity Gingernut’s Angels, named in honour of the baby daughter she lost in 2022, to help fund IVF treatment for Kiwis struggling to afford it.
Lupton and her husband Nick Mowbray have pledged to match donations up to a total of $500,000 and will begin offering grants of up to $10,000 per couple or individual seeking fertility treatment from this June.
Hussey reveals she wanted to “provide a gesture of support to people going through something similar” to her experience.
“I feel by sharing my story, it might help someone else who’s struggling. When I was going through some of my losses, I wanted to hear other people’s stories – it gave me comfort that I wasn’t alone in what I was experiencing.”
According to Repromed medical director Dr Devashana Gupta, fertility decreases “more rapidly” after the age of 30 in women and 45 in men.
“Around 22, you have maybe a 25 to 30% chance per month to get pregnant. By the time you reach 36, it’s about a 15% chance. And when you’re 45, it’s only 1 to 2%, so it does decline quite a bit.
“In school, we get taught all about contraception and not getting pregnant. But what we don’t get taught is that your fertility is not infinite.”
Age is associated with a lower egg count and a decrease in egg quality, Gupta explains. Environmental factors such as smoking, vaping, alcohol, pesticides and EDCs – endocrine-disrupting chemicals – can damage your eggs, which don’t have the ability to repair themselves.
And it’s not just a woman’s age that affects outcomes – the cumulative age of both men and women can heighten the risk of miscarriage or genetic abnormalities.
Pregnancy in your 40s also comes with risks, from chromosomal abnormalities and a higher chance of miscarriage to gestational diabetes, preeclampsia and placental attachment issues.
“It does sound in some ways a bit doom and gloom,” Gupta admits.
“But we do see a lot of women in their 40s who have relatively low-risk pregnancies. At Repromed, we’re seeing a lot of clients in their 40s and their late 30s,” she adds, citing the Stats NZ data that shows an increase over the years.
Gupta recommends having a plan and seeking help with fertility earlier than you think you need to.
You can get an AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) blood test to tell you how many eggs you have left, but it doesn’t reveal the quality of those eggs.
“It doesn’t tell you your chances of conceiving. What it tells you is how much time you have,” explains Gupta.
“It’s also important to maybe talk to your mum about her menopausal age, because that could have an impact on your menopausal age. If your mom had menopause in her early 40s, you might want to start planning for a pregnancy earlier.”
While it’s costly, you can also consider freezing your eggs in your twenties or thirties or using an egg donor later in life.
“Your uterus can function as long as you’re alive – what ages our fertility is our eggs,” she explains.
Consistent exercise, a healthy weight for both males and females, and general good health and wellbeing can help your chances, “but doesn’t override the age factor”, Gupta says.
“We talk about eating healthy, making sure you have all your nutrients, fruits and vegetables – the Mediterranean diet has been shown to be associated with better outcomes.
“We [also] recommend practising mindfulness and seeking counselling assistance to help you through this journey.”
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Photos / Robert Trathen. Stylist / Lulu Wilcox. Hair and makeup / Glimmer Boutique
Bethany Reitsma is an Auckland-based journalist covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2019. She specialises in telling Kiwis’ real-life stories, money-saving hacks and anything even remotely related to coffee.

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